Happy $%&ing Anniversary
So...September 14th...4 year anniversary...not a particularly special anniversary, but still an anniversary.
Since I was in Syracuse last weekend, the big plans had to wait for this weekend; and plan I did. I mean, what else was I supposed to do while I was bored out of my mind in "Welcome to the Company" seminars. So I planned this nice romantic hike complete with picnic and a bottle of wine for Saturday. Then I was hoping to maybe squeeze a movie and dinner in also. Ya know, nice enough dinner where I'd have to wear pantyhose, make-up, do my hair because, afterall, it's a special day.
Instead, after chatting completely normally over the phone and IM while I was in Syracuse and Wednesday morning while I was at work, I get in touch with Matt after visiting Charlie and Kevin's lil Cricket. And what does he tell me? That he loves me? That even though he has class till 9pm, he'll stop by for a quick hello before rushing off to bed? No no no, Sam doesn't get that lucky. Her life is WAY to crappy for something like that to happen. Nope, instead, Matt dumps his girlfriend on their 4 year anniversary.
Now, keep in mind that I've been with this guy practically my entire SF Bay Area lifetime. EVERYWHERE I go reminds me of him. I now work in a city that, until getting the new job, I had only been to with him to spend time with him and his family who lives there. Also keep in mind, that my family not only lives in AZ but is TOTALLY $%^#ING CRAZY and completely unreliable. Also, keep in mind that his family is awesome and treats me so nicely; I can't begin to tell you how nice it is to be around "normal" people. So not only have I lost my boyfriend, I've lost my best friend, my emergency contact, and my surrogate family who now has no reason to keep in touch with me.
As you can probably guess, I'm pretty miserable right now and going to work is really difficult, weekends are really difficult, night time and going to sleep are really difficult, driving to and from work is not only really difficult but REALLY dangerous (driving next to concrete barriers down the freeway while sobbing so hysterically that you can hardly see is not very safe), coming home to an empty house is really difficult, sitting through really important training (1st Aid, CPR, OSHA) and retaining what I am learning is really difficult.
Essentially, I'm a wreck. And I know "it'll get better with time" but seriously? As much as I tell that to my friends and people tell it to me, I don't buy it. I have lost any form of stability I had in my life, and as a control freak, it's horrifying and I'm barely holding it together over here. I try to watch TV to at least escape or feel better and the show I'm watching is one he or his family got me hooked into, one he and I watched together. So I say %^$# this and try to read, and my book starts talking about something that makes me think of him. Half of the stuff at work reminds me of him and his dad because EVERYTHING I understand and know about Civil Engineering and soils I learned from them. Earthquakes, bridges, tunnels, BART=him...I'm going batty over here...
I also find myself wondering if he's as miserable as me, though I'm pretty sure he's not. And then I wonder if when he sees things (penguins, saturns, Kohls, something I may have gotten him), if they remind him of me. I mean, he grew up in the bay area, so at least he has other memories he can replace mine with; so that probably doesn't hurt either.
Sigh.
Sorry my first post in so long is a depressing one...but now I've got nothing but time and this is what is going on with me now...so deal.
BTW, this is unedited...essentially a mind dump so I can hope to sleep tonight, if it is completely incoherent, I apologize.
posted by Sam @ 10:37 PM
1 Comments:
Sammy,
A good friend of mine advised that it can't rain all the time (ala The Crow). I know that what has happened is mind shattering awful for you and that you have heard enough platitudes to kill a small farm animal but please keep that phrase and the following in mind. In my opinion what has happened has happened because this is what Matt wanted when he wanted it. That fact is not going to change. The fact that he made this decision to tell you on a day that is supposed to be a wonderful celebration just displays a lack of respect for you and for the time you have shared together. Torturing yourself about his decision will not change his mind, asking for him to give you a real reason will not change his mind and ultimately the question you will be able to ask yourself when this mourning period is over is: I wonder why I didn't dump him?
When I think of all the time I've known you (pre and post Matt) I can honestly tell you that your willingness to give to your relationship is something to be admired and commended. In a relationship where both people love and care about each other this is an equal type of giving which leads to closeness and completeness. In my ‘professional’ opinion, you did your part very well. I believe that Matt simply took more then he gave. This is not a circumstance that could have continued indefinitely, as sooner or later you would have nothing left to give.
SO with all that being said, I think you should take this time to grieve for a love that was not reciprocated. Grieve for the loss of your best friend, for the loss of your surrogate family. Just don’t allow this grief to be all that’s left of you. Before Matt you had a best friend, before Matt you had a surrogate family. After Matt you have a best friend and after Matt you have a surrogate family and I personally really look forward to spending the holidays with you.
Please never forget that you are not alone in this! I love you and I know that a lot of other people love you too so don’t let the opinion of one person mess up all that you are and all that you will give to a more deserving person in the future.
Jennifer
Post a Comment
<< Home